Little Wisdoms

Though I don’t remember the specifics of everything, there are certain things people have said that have bothered me for a long time. Like when a faithful Christian friend said that she can go days without sinning. Or when another Christian friend said that teachers are teachers because they weren’t cut out to be anything else. Or when an acquaintance remarked that I must be competing with my friends when I got pregnant the second time.

Passing comments like these cost me sleep. And I didn’t know why. Those comments buzzed in my ear, and I chewed on them, unable to figure it out. Until last Sunday.

After putting my daughter to sleep on Sunday, I sat on my bed with a heavy heart. Trickles of tears turned into streams as I came to the realization that I am covered in sin. The preacher’s sermon earlier that day about how we treat our sins more like annoying pets than game to be hunted and killed startled me. I recognized in myself all the sins Paul mentions in Colossians 3: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness. Not to mention anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk. These I kept in my heart, feeding them every so often. I had never truly wanted to uproot them.

And that’s when I realized that just as I was bothered by the comments above, God is bothered by my hidden sins. I was overwhelmed by how much, all these years, my words of pride, disdain, and jealousy must have bothered the Most Holy One. How disturbing and detestable they must have been to Him. How hypocritical, then, that with unwashed and unrepentant lips, I still sang praises to Him.

So I cried over my sins and the sins of God’s people. We have not put on our new self as it says in Colossians 3:12. We have not obeyed our calling to be compassionate, kind, humble, meek, and patient. How many times do we hold on to our grudges instead of forgiving one another and letting love cover the rest?

The only thing I could depend on that night was God’s faithfulness. That night, I prayed:

Oh Lord, forgive me!
I cover my face in shame and beat my chest,
For the weight of my iniquity is too heavy for me to bear.
I have forsaken You, the fountain of living waters,
and hewed out a broken cistern that can hold no water.
I longed to hear Your voice,
Yet I was covered in the mud of my sin.

Have mercy on me, O God!
Purge me with hyssop and I shall be clean.
Wash me by the blood of Jesus, and I shall be whiter than snow.
According to Your abundant mercy,
Blot out my transgressions.

You who are slow to anger
And abounding in steadfast love,
Whose love goes down to a thousand generations,
This God, His way is perfect.
Holy are You, Lord.

I don’t know how long I stayed there. At some point the tears stopped. I felt a tiny sense of peace ripple through my heart. The fountain of living waters. And somehow, grace enough to keep coming back to drink. I continue to pray the words of the psalmist, “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.”